After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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