So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
