Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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