Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize