go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I touched a dick in church today
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