I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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