Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
