I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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