I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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