he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
