I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dicks are not precious.
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