Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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