just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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