Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
