So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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