I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
