Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
