Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize