Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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