The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize