I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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