Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize