Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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