I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Randomize
