Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
