I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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