The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
