i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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