im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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