When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
