you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
