I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
