You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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