It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
