if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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