i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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