i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
