that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
