All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
