Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
