What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
