i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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