This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize