Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
