I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
