She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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