You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize