My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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