Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize