Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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