He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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