he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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