Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
MIDGETS
????
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
