yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
