wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
