Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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