I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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