If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
