The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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