And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
